What do you want?

For the last 20 yrs or so, I've asked the endless question "What do you want?". I ask continually because I am the Mom.

I've been asking ever since I first found myself talking to my pregnant belly. Do you want to be a girl or a boy? Do you want chocolate or steamed veggies? And I haven't stopped asking that same question. I ask "What do you want" when they cry, when I get that teenager eyeroll, when they look bored, sad, sick or excited. I ask when they don't even look like they want anything at all. I just ask.

I don't ask out loud. Can you imagine hearing me say that four thousand times a day? It's just my mental state of mind. Motherhood is endless servitude.

Before I was a mom, I didn't ask "What do you want?" except when I was talking to myself! Now, I have a hard time answering that question for myself. I think that's why I've had such a hard time with college.

Going back to college is for me. But the mom in me feels the need to make everything I do a response to "What do you want?" and so I find it difficult to study, go to class when my kiddo has a headache or cries when I drop her off at the sitter, or forgot her lunch money for school. Feels strange to do something for myself.

Libby and I were having some playtime the other day. And I looked at her and said "What do you want?" She smiled and cooed. I wonder what she wants out of life. She is two months old now. I wonder what her aspirations are? I wonder what I can do to make her the person she wants to be? I wonder what she wants.

Gracie is easier to figure out. She jumps around in front of the tv and says "I want that! I want that! I want that!" My turn to give the eyeroll.