Thursday, December 11, 2008

What do you want?

For the last 20 yrs or so, I've asked the endless question "What do you want?". I ask continually because I am the Mom.

I've been asking ever since I first found myself talking to my pregnant belly. Do you want to be a girl or a boy? Do you want chocolate or steamed veggies? And I haven't stopped asking that same question. I ask "What do you want" when they cry, when I get that teenager eyeroll, when they look bored, sad, sick or excited. I ask when they don't even look like they want anything at all. I just ask.

I don't ask out loud. Can you imagine hearing me say that four thousand times a day? It's just my mental state of mind. Motherhood is endless servitude.

Before I was a mom, I didn't ask "What do you want?" except when I was talking to myself! Now, I have a hard time answering that question for myself. I think that's why I've had such a hard time with college.

Going back to college is for me. But the mom in me feels the need to make everything I do a response to "What do you want?" and so I find it difficult to study, go to class when my kiddo has a headache or cries when I drop her off at the sitter, or forgot her lunch money for school. Feels strange to do something for myself.

Libby and I were having some playtime the other day. And I looked at her and said "What do you want?" She smiled and cooed. I wonder what she wants out of life. She is two months old now. I wonder what her aspirations are? I wonder what I can do to make her the person she wants to be? I wonder what she wants.

Gracie is easier to figure out. She jumps around in front of the tv and says "I want that! I want that! I want that!" My turn to give the eyeroll.


Shelley said...

It is so hard to do things for yourself, isn't it? I'm glad you are back in school. And I can't believe Libby is two months old already! She is such a doll.

Living With Cavemen said...

You have mommy syndrome. I find myself doing the same thing. I'm sure Libby will let you know what she wants when she is talking. Someday, your girls will be asking you "What do you want mom?" That will be nice.

Michelle said...

Very well expressed. And I have found that actually doing what I want/need or just something *for* me instead of always forothers makes me a better mom. Who'da thunk it!