Saturday, May 10, 2008

I Hate Cats.

Hello Mary's blog fans... This is her husband. I've hijacked her blog to post a story from our early days when Mary tried to turn me into a cat lover. This was before we had kids and here is the story that cinched up my true feelings about cats:

Cats SUCK!

Way back in the olden days, My wife and I had a cat that was part siamese. A true little bastard, we named him Sh**ty kitty. Well, Sh**ty Kitty had a psychotic hatred of buttons. In particular, it would attack the buttons on this ugly vinyl-upholstered headboard in this little apartment we were in. One by one, the buttons would be brutally attacked and ripped right out of the headboard. To see this was actually shocking. The power and viciousness was really amazing. Those buttons didn't stand a chance.

One morning, as it was getting light in the room, I was laying there in bed flat on my back and I felt the cat jump up on the foot of the bed--not unusual as it often liked to lay on my wife's hair. I wasn't really awake--just mildly aware of the cat stepping up slowly towards the middle of the bed. Then I felt it give that little wiggle--you know--the wiggle in it's rear end it gives just prior to it pouncing on something. Of course, I knew that another button was about to get brutally attacked and ripped from the headboard.

I felt the cat leap from near my knees. It pounced on a new sort of button I guess. That dirty little bastard attacked my NIPPLE! Teeth and front claws, all deeply embedded into my man-nipple, while rear claws scratched and kicked for leverage to remove the "button" from my chest.

I had been sleeping peacefully, but this pain brought me to a new level of immediate alertness I had not experienced before. A deep, guttural and primal man-scream came from my mouth. I was shocked by the ferocity and volume of these sounds from deep inside me, as my hands came alive and went straight for the throat of Sh**ty Kitty.

As my hands wrapped around the throat of that cat, the feline teeth came out of my flesh, the claws disembarked from my areola, rear legs and back claws shifted focus and now prepared to target my arms.

Perhaps you have seen cats fly. I know I have. One cat named Sh**ty Kitty flew 15 feet that morning. It hit the wall about 6 feet up, landed on it's feet, then turned and looked back at me as if to say "What the hell is wrong with you?--I nearly had it!"

It took some time, but my left nipple did recover. What has never been restored is an ounce of faith in anything feline. I hate cats.


7 comments:

Living With Cavemen said...

ROFLOL!!! I remember S**tty Kitty!! OMG! That cat was EVIL. I remember when it tormented the landlord & when it ran away. Needless to say, the search for S**tty Kitty didn't last long. I think we were a bit relieved it ran away.

Alicia said...

A shout out to Mary's Hubby!!

I was laughing so hard I just about peed my pants!! You gotta add some more stories like that more often. I totally love Mary's stories but you offer the other side!!

Thanks for the story!!

Michelle said...

I will throw in one comment that Siamese are not actually cats. They're evil creatures that simply sometimes *look* like cats. But yes, I can see where that experience would ahhhh scar you for life.

onthegomom said...

EWWOOWWWWWWWWWWWW. I love, love my cat (NOT a siamese) but I think I would even throw my cat 15 feet against the wall if he did that!

Thanks for the story!!!

Aathira said...

I have a cat almost a year old, and I agree she is also quite the pouncing on you types, but this is totally gotta top the scary list!

Shelley said...

Hey Mary's hubby! I'm a fellow cat-hater, but I blame it on my mother. She always hated them too, therefore we always had dogs. Definitely a dog person here. Then again, I wouldn't feel so friendly towards anything that tried to bite my nipple off.

Wanted to also say congrats to oldest princess on her new job! Yay, no more Hollister! lol

Memarie Lane said...

There are truly some evil cats out there, but the majority of them are.... pussycats. The cat's pajamas. You know.

Looks like we're both due with girls about the same time, eh?